How to Stop People Pleasing – And Feel Free Again

Quick Summary: People pleasing exhaustion is draining you completely. You’re burnt out from trying to earn approval that will never come. The Stoics knew 2,000 years ago what you’re learning now: other people’s opinions aren’t yours to control. Here’s how to stop performing for others and reclaim your freedom.

The Weight You’re Carrying Right Now

There’s something you want to do. Maybe it’s a career change, or setting a boundary with family. Maybe it’s finally pursuing that thing that lights you up but feels “too much” or “not sensible” or “what will people think?”

You’re not doing it because you’re paralyzed by fear of judgment. Working it out in your head. Running through everyone’s potential reactions. Your mum. Your partner. That friend who always has an opinion. The neighbours. People you haven’t even met yet.

You’re caught in the trap of caring what people think, waiting for a version of yourself that everyone will approve of. A safe version. An acceptable version. A version that won’t make anyone uncomfortable or judgmental or disappointed.

Here’s what I need you to understand: that version doesn’t exist.

“You could literally feed people who had nothing and someone will still call you selfish. So stop shrinking yourself for people who will judge you anyway.”

This is the reality of people pleasing: no amount of shape-shifting will ever be enough.

The Game You Can’t Win

No matter what you do, someone will have an opinion about it. And that opinion will contradict someone else’s opinion. And neither opinion will match reality.

Stay in the safe job? You lack ambition. You’re wasting your potential.

Chase your dream? You’re irresponsible. Naive. Having a midlife crisis.

Lose weight because you feel uncomfortable in your body? You’re obsessed with appearance. Vain. Promoting diet culture.

Stay the same? You’re letting yourself go. Not taking care of yourself.

Set boundaries? You’re difficult. High maintenance. Selfish.

Say yes to everything? You’re a people pleaser. A doormat.

The goalpost always moves. You win by one person’s standards, and three others think you’re getting it wrong. You exhaust yourself trying to be whatever seems most acceptable, and still someone isn’t impressed.

This is the trap. And you’re stuck in it right now.

Pause & Reflect When’s the last time you made a decision based entirely on what YOU wanted, not what would be easiest to explain to others?

What the Stoics Knew That You’re Learning the Hard Way

How to Stop Caring What People Think (The Ancient Solution)

The ancient Stoics figured this out 2,000 years ago. They called it the Dichotomy of Control, and it’s simple:

You control: Your actions and effort, your integrity and how you show up in the world.

You don’t control: What others think. What they say. Whether they approve. How they judge you.

Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher, wrote extensively about judgment and others’ opinions in Meditations. He said: “You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control.“

He also wrote this while leading an empire: “It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”

This is Marcus Aurelius on judgment in a nutshell: stop trying to control what was never yours to control.

Read that again.

“You’re not living. You’re auditioning. And the audition never ends because the audience keeps changing.”

You’re spending your limited energy your time, your mental space, your actual life trying to change something that was never yours to manage. You’re burning yourself out on the uncontrollable while the things you CAN control (your choices, your growth, your path) sit waiting.

The Stoic practice here is simple awareness: noticing when you’re caught in the approval-seeking loop and gently bringing yourself back to what you can actually control. If you’re new to building this kind of awareness, starting with mindfulness for beginners can help you develop the skill of noticing without judging.

The Hidden Price of Seeking Approval

The Real Cost of People Pleasing Exhaustion

While you’re working out everyone else’s approval, here’s what you’re losing:

The career that actually excites you. The boundary that would protect your peace. The version of yourself that feels real instead of performed. The creative project. The big move. The honest conversation. The life that fits YOU instead of everyone else’s expectations.

You’re not living. You’re putting on a show for approval. And the show never ends because the audience keeps changing and what they want keeps shifting.

As Dr. Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of The Book of No, explains: “People-pleasers have a difficult time saying no. They go to great lengths to avoid disappointing others, even to their own detriment… The cost is their own mental and physical health.”

And the exhaustion. The completely drained feeling from this chronic people-pleasing. The burnout from constantly seeking approval. You’re monitoring every word, every decision, every choice through the lens of “what will they think?” You’re not just living your life, you’re managing everyone else’s potential reactions to it.

The Stoics would say you’re suffering because you’re trying to manage the unmanageable. You’re spending your energy on something that was never in your hands.

Pause & Reflect: What’s the one thing you’re not doing right now because you’re too busy managing everyone else’s potential reactions?

Overcoming fear of judgment starts with naming what it’s costing you. If you find yourself caught in loops of overthinking about others’ opinions, journaling for overthinking can help you process these thoughts and see patterns you’d otherwise miss.

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I Know This Trap Intimately

I’ve fostered children. Taken in family members during their hardest times. Stood in a car park on Friday evenings handing out food to people who needed it. Started a community shop that gave free food and clothes to the homeless. Served meals during lockdown when people were scared and struggling.

And there are still people who think I’m selfish.

Let that sink in. I could literally feed people who had nothing, open my home to kids who needed safety, give away resources to strangers and someone, somewhere, decided I wasn’t generous enough. Or I was showing off. Or I had ulterior motives.

That’s when I got it. That’s when the Stoic wisdom clicked.

Their opinions weren’t about me. They were never about me. They were about their own filters, their own stories, their own discomfort with whatever I represented to them. I could spend my entire life trying to earn their approval, and I’d still come up short because approval was never on the table.

Here’s the thing: most of the people judging hardest haven’t done a fraction of what you have. They’re watching from the sidelines, not playing. And you’re letting them write the rules of your life.

So how do you stop people pleasing? You redirect your focus from what you can’t change to what’s actually yours: your choices, your values, your integrity.

Mr Critic Moment:

At your age? Doing that now? People will think you’ve lost it

He sounds so reasonable, doesn’t he? Like he’s protecting you from embarrassment, not keeping you small.
That’s how he works disguising fear as logic, comfort as caution.

“You’ve got responsibilities,” he whispers. “Best not rock the boat.”

The truth? He’s terrified of what other people will think the neighbours, your colleagues, that friend from school who still scrolls your posts.
But none of them live your life.

Mr Critic worries about their opinions. You get to worry about your freedom.

Maybe you don’t hear a voice at all. Maybe you just feel it a tightening in your chest, that sudden hesitation before you post, apply, or speak up. The quiet sense that you’ve stepped out of line.

That’s Mr Critic too. Whether he speaks or shows up as tension, it’s the same energy the fear of being seen doing something new.

The Stoic Truth That Sets You Free

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing Exhaustion

You can’t change what people think. Full stop.

You can be kind—they’ll say you’re fake.
Be honest—they’ll say you’re harsh.
Be generous—they’ll question your motives.
You can be private—they’ll call you cold.

Their thoughts don’t touch you unless you let them.

This is Stoic freedom: when you stop trying to manage what you can’t manage, you get your energy back. You get your clarity back and get YOUR LIFE back.

Focus on what’s actually yours character, actions, integrity. Do good work because it aligns with who you are, not because it earns applause And when judgment comes (because it will), it doesn’t stick. It’s just background noise.

Not because you’re arrogant. Because you’re focused on what actually matters.

“Their opinions are coming regardless. So you might as well do what you actually want.”

What Becomes Possible When You Stop Performing

When you let go of trying to be acceptable to everyone, here’s what opens up:

You make the choice that’s right for you, not the choice that’s easiest to defend and set the boundary without the three-hour internal debate about whether you’re being “too much.” You pursue the thing you actually want instead of the thing that looks sensible on paper.

You stop twisting yourself into shapes that please no one least of all you and then you’re no longer tired from seeking approval that was never really available in the first place.

And the energy you were burning on people-pleasing exhaustion? That comes back. You can use it for the work that matters. The relationships that feed you and the version of yourself you’ve been keeping on hold.

When you stop playing a role for approval, you often discover something surprising: the connections that felt shallow or unsatisfying were that way because you were showing up as a performance, not as yourself. Understanding why you feel lonely even around others can help you build more authentic connections.

This is the freedom the Stoics promised. Not a life without judgment that’s impossible. But a life where judgment doesn’t own you.

Pause & Reflect: Six months from now, do you want to look back and see someone who kept pretending, or someone who finally started living?

Journaling Prompts:

When was the last time you held yourself back because you imagined what someone else might think?

If no one were watching or judging, what would you do differently this week?

The Question You Need to Answer

How to stop caring what people think starts with one honest question:

What are you not doing right now because you’re afraid of what someone will think? Name it. Feel it. Sit with how much space it’s taking up in your head. Is their potential disapproval really worth sacrificing this?

Because here’s the truth you already know: they’re going to have opinions anyway. Whether you play it safe or go bold, or you shrink or expand. Whether you stay stuck or move forward.

Their opinions are coming regardless. So you might as well do what you actually want.

Marcus Aurelius said: “Waste no more time arguing what a good person should be. Be one.”

Stop arguing with people who aren’t even in the room about whether you’re allowed to want what you want. Stop defending your choices to people who will judge you anyway.

Just be who you are. Do what matters. Let them think whatever they’re going to think.

You don’t need their permission. You never did.

What’s the one thing you’d do tomorrow if you stopped worrying about judgment? Tell me in the comments. Sometimes naming it is the first step to claiming it.

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Kel

Kel is the writer behind Everyday Mastery, where she shares the real, messy, and meaningful process of building habits, resilience, and self-belief from the ground up. Her writing blends ancient philosophy with modern science, always focused on small, practical steps that lead to lasting