Can You Really Let Go of the Past? Here’s How

Read time: 8 minutes

Quick Summary: How to let go of the past when your brain won’t stop replaying it: stop fighting the memories, separate what you can control from what you can’t, and refuse to let old events have power over your present moment. This isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen, it’s about choosing who you become despite what happened

You know that thing you keep replaying? The conversation. The betrayal. The moment everything changed.

It’s 2am and your brain has decided now is the perfect time to analyse it again. What you should have said. What they did. Why it still hurts.

Here’s what nobody tells you: those people you’re thinking about? They’re asleep right now. They’ve moved on. You’re the one still carrying the weight of what they did.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been there. During my bankruptcy completely broke, no income, couldn’t even afford a coffee and I realised something that stopped me cold. The bankruptcy wasn’t destroying me. It was the replaying. The betrayals I kept analysing. The people who’d wronged me that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

I was torturing myself so they could be free.

That’s when I asked the question that changed everything: “Why am I punishing me for what they did?”

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It

Let’s be honest about what’s happening here.

You replay it because your brain thinks it’s helping. If you just analyse it enough, maybe you’ll understand. Maybe you’ll find the answer. Maybe it’ll finally make sense.

But that’s why memories keep coming back – and why you can’t seem to stop overthinking the past. Every time you relive it, your body feels the same pain all over again. Your nervous system can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a memory of one. So you stay stuck in a loop that was supposed to protect you but is actually keeping you trapped.

The event is over. But you keep making it present by giving it power over this moment.

Here’s what most people miss: letting go isn’t about “moving on” or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about refusing to let the past control your present.

What Letting Go Actually Means

Letting go is NOT:

• Pretending it didn’t happen
• Excusing what was done to you
• Never feeling pain again

Letting go IS:

• Refusing to give the past power over right now
• Finding the lesson without replaying the trauma
• Choosing who you become despite what happened

The shift isn’t from “hurt” to “fine.” It’s from being controlled by what happened to being empowered by how you respond. And if you’ve been relying on external validation to feel okay, finding happiness within yourself is part of that same work.

The Framework That Actually Helped Me

This comes from Stoic philosophy and Buddhist mindfulness stuff that’s helped people for thousands of years. Not because it’s trendy, but because it works.

Separate What You Control From What You Don’t

Marcus Aurelius wrote: “You have power over your mind not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

That quote hit me differently when I was at my lowest.

What you cannot control:

• What happened
• Other people’s actions
• How others treated you

What you CAN control:

• How you respond to memories right now
• The meaning you give to past events
• Who you choose to become

When a painful memory comes up, ask: “What can I control here?”

That shift from drowning in what I’d lost to focusing on what I could build that changed everything.

Pause and Reflect: What are you still carrying that was never yours to hold? Whose actions are you still punishing yourself for?

Feel It, Watch It, Let It Pass

Buddhist mindfulness taught me something that sounds simple but changes everything: you are not your thoughts. You are the person watching your thoughts.

I still get old painful thoughts popping up. The difference now? I feel them, observe them, and let them pass. I don’t fight them or feed them.

When a painful memory surfaces:

1. Notice: “There’s that memory again”
2. Feel: “I feel anger/sadness/hurt” (without judging yourself for it)
3. Let it pass: “This is a thought. It will move through me”
4. Return to now: Focus on your breath, this moment, what’s actually in front of you

This isn’t about suppressing anything. It’s about not drowning in it.

Research backs this up – a randomised controlled trial published in Biological Psychiatry found that mindfulness practice actually changes how your brain responds during painful memories. Less overthinking, less replaying, more ability to let thoughts pass through.

Turn It Into a Teacher

Instead of asking “Why did this happen to me?” try asking “What did this teach me?”

Maybe it taught you about your own strength or showed you what you actually need. Maybe it revealed something about boundaries, or values, or what really matters.

When my business failed, I could see it as proof I was worthless. Or I could see it as a teacher.

I chose teacher.

I stopped asking “Why me?” and started asking “What now?”

• What went wrong? (Information, not shame)
• What can I learn? (Growth, not blame)
• How do I move forward? (Action, not paralysis)

The bankruptcy that could have destroyed me became the experience that taught me what actually matters.

The Hardest Part: When It’s About People

The memories that stick hardest are usually tied to people. Betrayal. Abandonment. Someone who should have shown up and didn’t.

Here’s the hard truth: they might never apologise. Never understand. Never change.

But that doesn’t mean you have to carry it forever.

Three things that helped me:

Accept you may never get an apology. Their failure to apologise is about them – their awareness, their limitations. Your healing doesn’t require their participation. If you’re carrying guilt alongside the hurt, learning to forgive yourself is often the harder but more important work.

Feel the anger when it comes. Don’t bury it. Notice it, feel it, let it pass. You’re not suppressing – you’re refusing to replay.

Ask what it taught you. Maybe it revealed what you truly need. Maybe it clarified a boundary you won’t cross again. The lesson is yours to keep. The weight isn’t.

Other people’s actions are reflections of themselves, not your worth.

Pause and Reflect: Who are you still waiting for an apology from? What would it mean to stop waiting?

What I Noticed When I Started Practicing This

I expected it would take months to feel relief. It took weeks.

Not weeks to “be over it.” But weeks to notice that painful memories had less power. That I could think about betrayals without my chest tightening. That I could journal about failure without shame spiralling.

The framework only works if you actually practice it. Reading isn’t practicing. Understanding isn’t transformation.

Pick one step. Practice it for seven days. Just one.

I started with the Control Question. Every time a painful memory came up, I asked: “What can I control right now?”

That single question saved me during the dark months.

The Bottom Line

You’ve been carrying weight that was never yours to hold.

Other people’s actions were about them – their struggles, their limitations. Not your worth.

The past happened. It was real. It may have been awful. But it’s over. And you can choose to stop making it present.

The question isn’t whether the past will try to pull you back. It will.

The question is: will you keep giving it power over your now?

Your 3 Everyday Mastery Steps

Step 1: Ask the Control Question. Next time a painful memory surfaces, ask yourself: “What can I control right now?” The answer is always the same – only your response in this moment. This single question interrupts the replay loop.

Step 2: Name it to tame it. When you catch yourself spiralling, say out loud or in your head: “There’s that thought again.” You’re not fighting it. You’re not feeding it. You’re just noticing. That tiny gap between you and the thought is where freedom lives.

Step 3: Find one lesson. Before bed tonight, ask yourself what one difficult thing from the past taught you about your own strength. Write it down. You’re not excusing what happened – you’re refusing to let it be meaningless.

Journaling Prompts:

If I stopped replaying this, what would I have space for instead?

What’s one thing this painful experience taught me about what I actually need?

Want more like this? I send out one email a week with practical tools for getting unstuck – no fluff, no hustle culture, just real strategies for regular folk trying to change. Join the Everyday Mastery newsletter here.

Kel

Kel is the writer behind Everyday Mastery, where she shares the real, messy, and meaningful process of building habits, resilience, and self-belief from the ground up. Her writing blends ancient philosophy with modern science, always focused on small, practical steps that lead to lasting