How to Forgive Yourself and Stop Fighting the Past

Read time: 7 minutes

Quick Summary: Learning how to forgive yourself isn’t about forgetting what happened or pretending it was okay. It’s about understanding that the past you did the best they could, with what they had at the time, and choosing to grow from your mistakes instead of being defined by them. This guide helps you understand why you’re stuck in shame and how to finally let it go.

Key takeaways:

• Your brain clings to shame like it’s keeping you safe
• Past you didn’t have the knowledge or tools you have now
• You are not your past actions – you’re who you’re choosing to become
• Unhealed shame will destroy your future
• You have permission to move forward right now

You can’t change who you were. But you can decide who you become.

If You’re Struggling Right Now

You’re not broken. Before reading further, try this: Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths. Notice where shame sits in your body. That tension? You’ve been carrying it too long. This guide will help you put it down.

You know that feeling when something triggers the memory and suddenly you’re right back there?

Maybe it’s a song. A smell. Someone’s laugh. And boom there it is. That thing you did or that person you hurt. That version of yourself you can barely stand to think about.

And the worst part? It’s not just the memory. It’s the replay. The analysis. The why did I do that? on repeat until you want to scream.

You’ve tried to move on. You’ve told yourself it’s in the past. But your mind won’t let it go. And neither can you.

If you’re struggling with forgiving yourself and wondering why you can’t stop feeling guilty even when you’ve tried to move on, you’re not alone.

The past happened. You can’t undo it. But you can stop letting it destroy who you’re becoming.

You’re not stuck because you’re broken, your stuck because you’re trying to change something that can’t be changed.

If you’re exhausted from carrying shame, regret, or anger toward the person you used to be this is for you.

For a deeper guide to releasing old patterns, read How to Let Go of the Past.

Why Can’t I Forgive Myself?

Here’s how it goes:

The memory pops up → You feel the shame → You replay what happened → You judge yourself → You feel worse → You try to push it away → It comes back stronger → Repeat.

This isn’t you being dramatic or dwelling on the past. This is your mind doing exactly what it was designed to do: remember threats.

Your brain’s old survival wiring makes it remember mistakes more vividly than wins. It treats embarrassment and danger the same way: never forget this.

That thing you said at the party? That lie you told? That person you hurt? Your brain files it all under “danger-never again.”

You’re not stuck because you’re weak. You’re stuck because your mind is trying to protect you.

The irony? The loop doesn’t protect you. It paralyzes you.

You can’t change what happened but you can change what you do with it.

“You’re not stuck because you’re weak. You’re stuck because your mind thinks it’s protecting you but the loop doesn’t protect you. It paralyzes you.”

A Note on Trauma and Survival

Some of the things you’re holding against yourself weren’t character flaws. They were survival responses.

If your past actions were shaped by trauma, abuse, neglect, or unsafe environments, please hear this:

You weren’t broken. You were protecting yourself with the only tools you had.

Maybe you lied because the truth wasn’t safe or you pushed people away because closeness meant danger. Maybe you hurt others because you were drowning and didn’t know how to ask for help.

That version of you was doing their best to survive. Survival isn’t pretty. It’s messy and imperfect and sometimes harmful to yourself and others.

Forgiving that version of you isn’t excusing harm. It’s recognising they were in pain and didn’t have better options.

And if you caused serious harm, self-forgiveness doesn’t erase accountability. You may need professional help or to make amends. Growth and responsibility go hand in hand.

If you’re struggling with trauma-related behaviours, this post isn’t a replacement for therapy. Healing from trauma often requires professional support and there’s no shame in that.

You deserved better then. You deserve support now.

Pause here.

If that trauma section hit close to home, take a breath. You’re not reading about someone else you’re reading about yourself. And that version of you? They survived. That’s not nothing.

The Truth About Past You

Past you did the best they could with the tools, knowledge, and emotional capacity they had at the time.

You didn’t know what you know now. You were working with a different version of your brain, beliefs, and experience.

And here’s the wild part: the version of you from five years ago literally doesn’t exist anymore. Every cell in your body has been replaced. Your beliefs have shifted. You are, biologically and mentally, a different person.

So why hold onto an identity that no longer exists?

The person who made that mistake is gone. The person reading this now has the power to choose who they become next.

Your past shaped you but it doesn’t define you unless you allow it to.

Psychologist Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that treating yourself with kindness is linked to greater resilience, lower anxiety, and improved well-being. Punishing yourself doesn’t undo what happened. But forgiving yourself might prevent it from happening again.

If You’re Thinking This Sounds Like Nonsense

If part of you is rolling your eyes right now, that’s okay. But this isn’t just pop psychology there’s real neuroscience behind it. Shame loops are survival wiring, not weakness.
If you ever want to see the research side, look into studies on self-compassion and neuroplasticity they show how kindness actually rewires the brain. But for now, you don’t need a lab coat. You just need to give this a fair try. If nothing else has worked, what’s there to lose?

What Philosophy Tells Us

The Stoics taught that we should focus only on what’s in our control and the past isn’t one of those things.

Marcus Aurelius reminded himself: “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

The past is beyond your control. But your response to it? That’s entirely yours.

You can stay trapped in why did I do that? or you can shift to who am I becoming now?

That shift from rumination to intention is where your freedom lives.

Buddhism teaches something similar. There’s a saying: “Let go or be dragged.” The past already happened. You can accept it and grow, or you can let it drag you down until it destroys your future too.

What happened, happened. Now the only question that matters is: What are you going to do with it?

Are you going to let your past keep you small and full of shame, or use every hard-won lesson to become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate?

The Stoics called this amor fati – love of fate. Not passive acceptance, but active embrace. Not “this happened to me,” but “this happened for me even if I can’t see how yet.”

Your past already happened. Don’t let it steal your future too.

What Integration Looks Like

I did some stupid things when I was younger drugs, fights, you name it and I don’t regret any of it, I wouldn’t choose it again, but I can’t change it. What I have done is use those experiences to teach not only myself but my children. It was my path. It made me who I am today.

That’s what integration looks like. Not dramatic, not cinematic just clear-eyed acceptance and growth.

It’s looking at the messy parts of your history and saying: “Yeah, I did that. I wouldn’t choose it again. Can’t change it. But I learned from it, and now I’m using it.”

That’s not just forgiveness that’s alchemy.

“Integration isn’t dramatic or cinematic. It’s looking at the messy parts of your history and saying: ‘Yeah, I did that. Can’t change it. But I learned from it, and now I’m using it.'”

When Forgiveness Feels Hard

Sometimes you’ll think, “They’ll never forgive me, so how can I forgive myself?”

The truth is, their forgiveness and your healing are separate. You can’t control their choice but you still have the right to grow and stop punishing yourself.

Then comes the next fear: “If I forgive myself, am I just letting myself off the hook?”

No. Forgiveness isn’t excusing. It’s taking responsibility and choosing growth over shame. Accountability and compassion can exist together.

And then, after all that progress, the shame returns. You catch yourself thinking, “I thought I forgave myself – why am I back here?”

That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re human. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event it’s a practice. Each time you notice the thought and respond with kindness, the old story loses power.

If you struggle with this kind of internal dialogue, journaling for overthinking can help you process these thoughts on paper, creating distance between the emotion and the truth.

Mr Critic Moment:

“Oh, please. What you did was awful and you think you deserve peace already?”

That voice the dry, judgmental one isn’t the truth. It’s fear disguised as logic. When it speaks, respond gently: “I’m not who I was. I’m learning. And that’s enough.”

You don’t have to argue with your inner critic. You just have to stop believing it.

Not everyone has an inner dialogue. Some people feel their self-criticism as tension, heaviness, or withdrawal instead. However it shows up for you, notice it gently that’s still the part of you that needs compassion, not correction.

What Peace Actually Looks Like

Here’s what people don’t tell you about healing: it’s not linear, and it’s not permanent in the way you think.

I’m at peace with my past. The chaos, the stupid choices, all of it. I’ve done the work and forgiven myself. I’ve moved on.

And still very rarely now, but it happens a thought pops back in.

The old shame. The old memory. That split second of oh god, that thing.

But here’s what’s different: I feel it, I recognize it, and I let it go.

No spiral. No self-punishment. Just acknowledgment: “Yeah, that happened. I’ve dealt with this. I’m not that person anymore.” And then I move on with my day.

That’s what peace actually looks like. Not the absence of thoughts. But knowing how to respond when they show up.

You don’t erase the past. You just stop letting it run the show.

Journaling Prompt:

“What lesson is my guilt trying to teach me and how can I use it to become the person I want to be next?”

The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For

Their forgiveness isn’t required for your healing. The right to move on isn’t something you earn. And punishment isn’t a prerequisite for letting go.

You have permission right now.

Past you brought you here but they don’t get to decide what happens next. You do.

Stop asking, “Why did I do that?” Start asking, “Who am I becoming now?”

Your past shows you where you were. It doesn’t dictate where you’re going.

You get to decide who you become next.

Join the Everyday Mastery Newsletter

If this post helped you take even one small step toward self-forgiveness, join the newsletter for calm, practical insights that make personal growth feel human again. r

This is your permission slip to start messy. We don’t chase perfect here we practise progress.

If you enjoy these posts and want to support the writing, you can buy me a coffee it keeps the kettle (and the ideas) warm.

Because that’s Everyday Mastery small steps, real change, one honest reflection at a time.

Kel

Kel is the writer behind Everyday Mastery, where she shares the real, messy, and meaningful process of building habits, resilience, and self-belief from the ground up. Her writing blends ancient philosophy with modern science, always focused on small, practical steps that lead to lasting