You’re Still Carrying Weight That Isn’t Yours – How to Let Go of the Past
I was recently going through bankruptcy. I’m talking completely broke – my business collapsed, no income, couldn’t even afford a coffee.
Yet I was the happiest I’d ever been.
That might sound insane, but it’s the truth. And the reason? I’d finally learned something that changed everything:
The event is over. But you keep making it present by giving it power over this moment.
That thing that happened five years ago? Ten years ago? Twenty? You replay it. Analyze it. Wonder why it happened to you.
And every time you relive it, your body feels the same pain all over again.
The sexual abuse, the infidelity, the disappointments – none of it was about my worth. It was about their struggles, their beliefs, their limitations.
Here’s what no one tells you: The past doesn’t have to define you. But letting go isn’t about “moving on”—it’s about completely changing how you think about what happened.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” – Viktor Frankl
A note before we begin: I’m not a therapist or psychologist. I’m someone who went through bankruptcy and used these frameworks to rebuild. This article combines personal experience with research-backed methods. For serious trauma, please work with a licensed professional.
In This Guide:
- Step 1: Separate What You Control From What You Don't
- Step 2: Notice Thoughts Without Drowning In Them
- Step 3: Turn Obstacles Into Teachers
- Your Daily Practice to Let Go of the Past
- Why This Actually Works (Science Meets Ancient Wisdom)
- The Hard Truth About Letting Go
- Common Questions
- Start Here: Your First Step
- Additional Support in the UK
The 3-Part Framework That Actually Works
This comes from ancient wisdom—Stoic philosophy and Buddhist mindfulness—that’s helped millions for thousands of years.
I don’t use all of Buddhism and i don’t follow every Stoic principle. I cherry-picked what actually worked for me and left the rest. That’s exactly what you should do too.
Initially, Eastern philosophy felt very “woo-woo” to me. But the more I listened, the more certain concepts clicked. Some ideas will resonate immediately. Others won’t fit your situation. That’s completely fine.
Think of it like trying on different pairs of glasses. Some will bring things into focus. Some won’t. Keep the ones that help you see clearly.
Step 1: Separate What You Control From What You Don’t
My journey into philosophy started with Marcus Aurelius through Ryan Holiday’s The Daily Stoic podcast. One quote stopped me cold:
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
This wasn’t just pretty words. This was a complete paradigm shift that would save my sanity during the darkest times.
What you cannot control:
- What happened in the past
- Other people’s actions or choices
- How others treated you
- Events that unfolded
What you can control:
- How you respond to memories right now
- The meaning you give to past events
- Whether you let it define your present
- Who you choose to become moving forward
Daily practice:
When a painful memory comes up, ask: “What part of this can I actually control right now?”
The answer is always: only how you respond in this moment.
How I used this during bankruptcy:
I couldn’t control what other people did or had done to me. I couldn’t control the past or change it. But I could control my response to those old thoughts that whispered: “Why did this happen to me? I must be worthless because these people did this.”
I couldn’t control the business failing and I couldn’t control the bankruptcy.
But I could control how I responded. I could control what I did next.
That shift—from drowning in what I’d lost to focusing on what I could build—changed everything.
Other people’s actions are not your fault – they are reflections of themselves.
I stopped carrying the weight of other people’s choices. None of it was about my worth. It was about their struggles, their beliefs, their limitations.
Step 2: Notice Thoughts Without Drowning In Them
Buddhist mindfulness (Sati) became my daily lifeline—paying attention to the “here and now” by observing thoughts and feelings without getting carried away.
You are not your thoughts. You are the person watching your thoughts.
I still get old traumatic thoughts popping up. The difference now? I feel them, observe them, and let them pass. They don’t affect me anymore because I understand: I am not my thoughts.
The practice:
- When a painful memory shows up, notice it: “There’s that thought again”
- Feel the emotion without judging it: “I feel anger/sadness/shame”
- Let it pass: “This is a thought. It will move through me”
- Come back to now: Focus on your breath, your surroundings, this moment
The difference:
- Old you drowns in the memory
- New you watches the memory pass by like a cloud
Why this works (the science):
Every time you replay a painful memory, your brain carves it deeper. The path gets stronger. The pain gets worse.
A 2024 study in Biological Psychiatry used brain scans to show that mindfulness training actually changes your brain during painful memories. People who practiced mindfulness showed less activity in the part of the brain that makes you overthink and replay the past.
In simpler terms: Mindfulness practice physically changes how your brain handles difficult memories.
As Dr. Andrew Huberman, Stanford neuroscientist, explains: “The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between a real threat and a memory of a threat.” Your body doesn’t know the difference between remembering pain and actually feeling it. When you replay painful memories, your body responds like the event is happening right now.
But you can literally change how your nervous system responds.
Why some people struggle more with letting go
I have a friend who still hates someone she hasn’t seen in 20 years. What’s the point? That person probably isn’t even the same person now anyway. She’s holding onto a feeling that passed – it’s not valid anymore.
If you find it harder to let go than others seem to, there’s often a biological reason. Some people hold memories longer—it’s not a weakness, it’s how their brain processes emotion.
Research shows that people who are naturally more reflective or emotionally attuned attach stronger feelings to memories. This makes the memories more vivid, but also harder to release.
If you’re naturally reflective, this framework helps even more. You’re not broken—you just need specific tools to work with how your mind operates.
Step 3: Turn Obstacles Into Teachers
In Buddhism, failure isn’t a definitive end – it’s a powerful catalyst for growth. Life isn’t easy, but Stoicism taught me that hard times and obstacles are opportunities for growth.
Every challenge can teach you something.
Instead of asking:
“Why did this happen to me?”
Ask:
“What did this teach me about strength, boundaries, what I can handle, what I value?”
The worst things that happened to you can become the foundation of your wisdom—if you find the lesson and let go of the victim story.
How I used this:
When my business failed and bankruptcy loomed, instead of seeing it as proof of my worthlessness, I saw it as information.
I stopped asking “Why me?” and started asking “What now?”
- What went wrong? (Information, not shame)
- What can I learn? (Growth, not blame)
- How do I adjust? (Action, not paralysis)
This wasn’t about pretending everything was fine. It was about refusing to drown in a story that kept me stuck.
The bankruptcy that could have destroyed me became the experience that taught me what actually matters. The trauma that once defined me became wisdom I could share with others.
The very things I wanted to avoid became the path to who I was meant to become.
Special Case: Letting Go of Someone Who Hurt You
The hardest memories to release are usually tied to people—betrayal, abandonment, heartbreak.
Here’s what makes relationship pain different:
- Emotions are attached to a specific person
- You might still see them (work, family, social media)
- There’s often no closure or apology
The practice:
1. Accept you may never get an apology (Step 1: what you can’t control)
Their failure to apologize is about them—their awareness, their growth, their limitations. Your healing doesn’t require their participation.
2. Feel the anger/hurt when triggered (Step 2: observe it)
Notice: “There’s that person in my mind again.” Feel it fully. Let it pass. You’re not pushing it down—you’re refusing to replay it.
3. Ask: “What did this teach me about boundaries/values?” (Step 3: reframe)
Maybe it taught you what you won’t tolerate., it could have showed you your own strength. Maybe it revealed what you truly need in relationships.
You’re not letting them off the hook. You’re releasing the weight so you can move forward.
The person who hurt you might never change. They might never understand what they did. They might never apologize.
But that doesn’t mean you have to carry it forever.
Your Daily Practice to Let Go of the Past
Philosophy has become my natural thought process now, but I actively engage with it daily. You don’t need hours of meditation. Start with these simple routines:
Morning Practice (5 minutes)
Daily reflection:
- Read one quote from Marcus Aurelius or any wisdom that speaks to you
- Journal: “What can I control today? What do I need to accept?”
When Painful Memories Show Up (Throughout the Day)
Mindfulness response:
- Notice the thought: “There’s that memory again”
- Name the feeling: “I feel shame/anger/sadness”
- Remind yourself: “This is a thought. I am not my thoughts”
- Return to breath: Three deep breaths, focus on right now
Evening Practice (5 minutes)
Review and reframe:
- What challenged me today?
- What did I learn from it?
- How did I grow?
Write it down. Small shifts add up.
Why This Actually Works (Science Meets Ancient Wisdom)
Modern psychology confirms what ancient thinkers knew: You can’t control events, but you can control how you think about them.
Changing how you think about what happened is one of the most effective treatments for trauma and anxiety.
Research in the British Journal of Psychiatry found that learning to identify and change distressing thoughts significantly reduced PTSD symptoms in people with severe mental illness. The improvements lasted long-term.
Research on getting stronger because of trauma (not despite it) shows that people who find meaning in hardship often come out stronger than before.
Your pain can become your wisdom and your struggles can become your strength.
Why helping others accelerates healing
One of the most powerful ways to let go of the past is to help someone else who’s struggling with something similar.
When you give back—share your story, offer support, guide someone through their pain—something shifts. You’re no longer just the person who suffered. You become the person who learned and grew.
This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending your pain had a “silver lining.” It’s about finding purpose in what you went through.
Viktor Frankl, who survived Nazi concentration camps, wrote that the people who found meaning in their suffering were the ones who survived. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.
You don’t have to turn your pain into a mission. But finding even small ways to help others by listening, sharing what you learned and being present for someone else’s struggle, reminds you that your experience matters.
Your story isn’t just about what happened to you. It’s about who you became because of it.
The Hard Truth About Letting Go
I don’t have regrets anymore because they’re pointless and a waste of energy. What I have are lessons. I now understand that at every point in my life, I did my best with the tools I had at the time.
The only moment I can actually control is right now.
Letting go doesn’t mean:
- Pretending it didn’t happen
- Excusing what was done to you
- “Just getting over it”
- Never feeling pain about it again
Letting go means:
- Refusing to give the past power over your present
- Finding the lesson without replaying the trauma
- Understanding that reliving it only hurts you, not them
- Choosing who you become despite what happened
As Viktor Frankl wrote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
You cannot change the past. But you can change how much power it has over this moment.
Common Questions
“How long does it take to let go of the past?”
There’s no timeline. Some people let go quickly, others need years of practice.
The goal isn’t to “be over it by [date]”—it’s to build the daily habit of noticing thoughts without drowning in them. Progress adds up over time.
“What if the person who hurt me never apologized?”
Other people’s actions are not your responsibility to carry. Their failure to apologize is about them—their awareness, their growth, their limitations.
Your healing doesn’t require their participation. You can let go without their permission or acknowledgment.
“Is this just pushing down my emotions?”
No—pushing down emotions means pretending they don’t exist.
This framework asks you to feel the emotion fully, then let it pass instead of replaying it. You notice it, you don’t bury it.
We seem to think we ARE our thoughts and feelings, but that’s not true. We are who we choose to become.
“What if I still get triggered by certain things?”
Triggers don’t disappear—how you respond to them changes.
You feel the trigger, notice it (mindfulness), recognize you can’t control the past event (Stoicism), and choose your response in this moment. Over time, triggers lose their power.
“Can I use this for really serious trauma?”
I know people in their 60s still traumatized by childhood experiences, some with substance addictions just to forget. It breaks my heart because you don’t have to let it consume you.
Philosophy is a powerful tool, but severe trauma often needs professional support.
Use these practices alongside therapy, not instead of it. A therapist can help you process trauma safely while philosophy gives you daily mental tools.
Each time you relive trauma, your body feels the same pain it did years ago. But you can change your thoughts. You can let it go.
It’s awful. It’s sad. It should not have happened to you. But it did, and you cannot change it. What you can change is how much power you give it over your present moment.
The Permission to Change Everything
Here’s what people don’t understand: You can change who you are, your beliefs, your values every day through small steps. We can become whatever we want to be.
Right now, you’re writing your story. Every response to difficulty, every choice about how to interpret events, every decision about who to become – it’s all part of the narrative that will outlive you.
Philosophy doesn’t promise to make life easy. But it promises something better: the tools to create meaning from any circumstance.
Your obstacles can become your way that pain can become your wisdom. And Your struggles can become your strength.
The question isn’t whether life will challenge you, it will. The question is: What tools will you use to meet those challenges?
Start Here: Your First Step
You don’t need to master ancient philosophy overnight. Start with one practice this week:
Option 1: The Control Question
When a painful memory comes up, ask: “What part of this can I control right now?”
Answer: Only my response in this moment.
Option 2: Thought Observation
Notice when you’re replaying the past. Say: “There’s that thought.”
Don’t fight it. Just watch it pass by.
Option 3: Daily Reframe
Evening journal: “What did today’s challenge teach me?”
Find one lesson from one difficulty.
Pick one. Practice it for seven days. Then add the next.
The Bottom Line
You’ve been carrying weight that was never yours to hold.
Other people’s actions were about them—their struggles, their beliefs, their limitations. Not your worth.
The past happened. It was real. It may have been awful. But it’s over. And you can choose to stop making it present.
Stoicism teaches you where your power lies.
Buddhism teaches you how to let thoughts pass.
Both teach you that your obstacles can become your way forward.
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius
The question isn’t whether the past will try to pull you back. It will.
The question is: Will you keep giving it power over your present?
Next Steps
Want the daily habits that make this framework stick?
👉 Download: Free Small Habits Guide — includes the 5 practices I used during my bankruptcy to build new thought patterns
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👉 Join the Everyday Mastery Newsletter
Journaling Prompt: Start Now
What did this experience teach me about my strength?
Which Events am I holding onto from the past?
How can I control this right now?
If this post helped you , you can buy me a coffee to support more writing like this. Your encouragement means more than you know. Please leave a comment you are not alone
Additional Support in the UK
If you need professional support alongside these practices, the NHS offers free mental health services through your GP. Organizations like Mind UK and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you find accredited trauma therapists.
Resources Mentioned in how to let go of the past
- The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday (Podcast & Book)
- Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
- The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday
- Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Buddhist Mindfulness (Sati) techniques
- Stoic daily reflection exercises
- Mueser, K. T., et al. (2015). “Evaluation of cognitive restructuring for post-traumatic stress disorder in people with severe mental illness.” British Journal of Psychiatry, 206(6), 501-508.
- Roepstorff, A., et al. (2023). “Mindfulness Training Changes Brain Dynamics During Depressive Rumination: A Randomized Controlled Trial.” Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, 8(5), 501-511.
Dr. Andrew Huberman – Stanford neuroscientist, host of Huberman Lab podcast on stress management and nervous system regulation
Kel is the writer behind Everyday Mastery, where she shares the real, messy, and meaningful process of building habits, resilience, and self-belief from the ground up. Her writing blends ancient philosophy with modern science, always focused on small, practical steps that lead to lasting